Archive for July, 2011


Disappointment

From the Journal of the Late Noel Aig: 7/15/11

I had come to the Convocation looking for enlightenment and glory, a collection of the Awakened Nation to forge a path for us to the future, to learn from one another, to find a way to rise above ourselves.

What I found was sadness and death, callousness and hatred. There were a few glimmers of humanity, and I cling to them so I don’t lose hope entirely. But it would be so very easy to simply abandon people, people I trust and care about, and simply relegate them to the place I retain in my mind for monsters. I’ve already done that too much.

How could anyone think any person deserves that sort of death? Nobody should suffer like that. I’ve been killing monsters for years, but even then, quick deaths are the only thing I can abide. I know what it feels like to not care, to think I have the right to decide how much a person deserves to suffer. I accept that some people deserve death, that is the nature of justice, but pain is for purification, not to satisfy the bloodlust of the accusers. I have to continue to believe that, or how much different am I, really?

It was heartening to see the Awakened Nation stand to make recompense to the Mysterium, but I cannot now help but wonder what many of them stand for.

Then even that fell apart.

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Sadness in Reflection

From the Journal of the Late Noel Aig 7/12/11:

My room was colder than I had left it. Hotel rooms often are, but I think the bone frost chill was more than a temperature issue. I took down my hair and laid on the bed for quite some time, just staring at the ceiling.

She knew.

I could see it in her face: Famine believed, in her heart of hearts, that she was going to die and do so soon. It pained her more than anything else to have this knowledge and have no apprentice. I don’t know how close the Four Horsemen are, but I couldn’t help but feel how very lonely she was. She didn’t want to share this, and I couldn’t blame her.

It would be a lie to say that I didn’t briefly consider the position. I wanted to help her so badly, wanted to temporarily stop the aching in her heart that I could feel in my own just watching her. But it would also be a lie not to say that I simply can’t. I don’t have the courage to live a life so cut off from the rest of the world. And as I think about my cabal, my city, my friends and loved ones, my wife, I couldn’t give them up. Maybe this makes me a bad person, or selfish somehow that I’m not willing to serve the Awakened Nation, that there are things I won’t sacrifice. I’ve never even considered that before.

Still, I know that while I probably won’t be dreaming of coins, that face will haunt me tonight, those distant eyes, the crack in her voice, the yearning for a single person willing to understand.

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  • Mon, 01:16: I love the Tricycle episode of #HIMYM. It has everything. Multi-partner sex with Danica McKeller. I’m sorry, is anything else necessary?

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  • Sun, 18:14: If I were to travel up to the Atlanta area August 12-20 or the 19-27, who would want to see me?

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