Nothing really to do at the moment, so I’m updating again. I have a lot more free time at my parents’ place, it seems, than at home.

I need a new fan for my laptop, which disturbs me since I’m not incredibly comfortable with opening it up. I’ve never done it before, and don’t want to cause more damage than necessary. Maybe there’s one that I can clip onto the outside of the case and will either pump in cool air or pump out hot. If anyone knows of any that are worth it, please post a link.

Went to the driving range with my father today. That was a blast. First good thing about it, the polo shirt I leave down here for golf was way too big on me when it fit fine the last time I wore it. Now I practically swim in it. I had to borrow one of my father’s shirts for the outting, which actually fit quite well. I wonder if he’d notice if it disappeared and somehow ended up in Orlando…?

I was actually quite pleased with myself when it came to actually hitting some balls. Other than a tendency to pull to the right (which I’m already starting to break the habit of), I am hitting the ball more consistantly than I used to. I’m remembering to keep my left arm straight on the back swing and my timing is getting better. I’m also getting more comfortable and relaxed, and I feel there was a large improvement from last time. I’ve already agreed to go out with my dad again when I come back for Christmas. I’m happy that the golf gene finally kicked in and I can enjoy this game.

Watched It’s a Wonderful Life and Love Actually today. I anticipate watching them several more times between now and Christmas. Both have an incredible ability to run me through the gamut of emotions and leave me happy at the end.

Speaking of emotions, I don’t know why, but the past two days I’ve been hit with incredible bouts of melencholie, and I just don’t know why. That actually happened to me about a week ago, and I can’t figure out why I would feel that way. I have nothing to be sad about. Everything is going remarkably. But I sometimes can’t help but feel frustrated at nothing, like I want to bang my head into a wall or tear something apart just to feel the pulling against my arms as my muscles tense.

It’s almost like all of the misery I’ve been not feeling for months now wants my attention suddenly, and I’m not exactly sure how to turn it around. I don’t want to feel this way. I have no reason to feel this way. It defies the orderly method by which I live my life and have so dramatically changed it for the better. Maybe it’s just my tendency to see life as remarkably more dramatic than it is, and I create emotional problems for myself so I can have my share of sullen and thoughtful closeups. It’s just that I get in these moods and I need to feel alive because I can feel my life slipping away, and all I want to do is shout or fuck or dance or run or cry or do something until I’m exhausted just so I know that I’m still here and breathing and not wasting a single moment of my life in case it is drifting beyond my grasp.

Well, this post was going to be public, but I just changed to Friends Only as it seems to have gotten a little too honest. Funny thing is, I didn’t realize until I was writing it that I ever held anything back. I’m not even exactly sure how I feel right now. All I really know is that I’m still here and I want to do something, but am stuck about to watch Shrek the Third with my parents and I’m not sure if I’m really hollow and fill the space with good feelings and positive messages, or if I’m full, and the things filling me are hollow.

Where did that come from…

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