From the Journal of the Late Noel Aig:

November 12th, 2006

There’s nothing that hurts more than discovering how useless you are. I felt it in Milwaukee as I desperately tried to make myself an important part of the proceedings and could do absolutely nothing, but now I realize that even then I could at least think that there was one person to whom I was entirely indispensable. I realize now how wrong I was. No matter how much I love her, her life will never really include me as anything more than a side note. What could I ever do besides love her, and is that really ever enough?

My heart broke to watch her across the Gauntlet crying. I don’t know why I didn’t go back to her except that I felt as if this were my place. Insubstantial. Maybe Parvathi and I have more in common that I’d like to admit. All I know is that I will always only be able to stare at her, quietly, and watch as the world draws her into the storm while I sit safely on the ground, wanting nothing more than to ride those turbid Fate winds in her place. I am little more than a Spirit myself.

“I suppose my Shadowname is appropo as well. ‘Nobody.'” Am I even really somebody to her? Can I be?

“Besides, didn’t you fall in love with all of me, including my trouble magnet ways?” I couldn’t answer then, as much as I wanted to, but if you ever read this, Darling, please know that the answer is yes. I love every single part of you. And I hate myself for not being able to be a part of that part of you.

Post Script:

Later that night – How can I be so selfish and let you see me act this way? I may not be anybody, not really, but the least I can do is hide these feelings so that you don’t have to feel guilty. I can’t let her see me like that again. Never again.

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