Today I did one of the most difficult things I have ever done. I had to decide whether it was more important that myself and two other friends continue to have a place to live, or if it was more important that I try and keep my best friend. In the end, I lost my best friend, and only one thing really keeps it from becomeing all consuming. My best friend admitted that he doesn’t care about anyone besides himself, which implies that I do not matter to him. Quite frankly, I suspected as much for quite some time, but hearing it still hurt. It helps to think that he acted as if he had lost all respect or caring for me some time ago. He states that he wants to be my friend, but cannot summon up the time required to do the simple things nessesary to keep the rest of us from getting evicted. He has someplace to go, and I realized when he didn’t do these simple things that so long as he has a place to go, nobody else matters. There was a time when he said that he cared more about his friends then himself. I told him he should care equally. It seems he has overshot.

I miss my friend. I miss the man who did care. I miss knowing that I could count on this person. I want my friend back, but I can’t have a friend who does not care in the same way I care about them. When you want to be my friend again, if you do, I will be there. I am not without blame, but I am also not entirely to blame. I hope that your life gets back on track, but I hope more to see it some day. You’re off elsewhere for a while, but maybe we can meet again in another time and place. At least I know that you’re happy, and I can take some comfort in that. As far as I’m concerned, my friendship will always be ready, and I look forward to the day when we can be brothers again.

God, this hurts.