It’s times like this that make me truely wish I didn’t require sleep. I don’t have the energy to pace, but I can’t quite sleep either. Lately, an astute LJ scholar might pick up a general trend of drainedness and lack of life force. I honestly think that’s even catching up to me, and I’m a life force camel (especially since I budget). To put it plainly, I miss Mary, and my only option is waiting.

Even as I write this, I realize that most of the people on this list have never met Mary. If this is the case, you’ve never really seen me smile, either. You’ve never seen me unequivocably happy or content. I suppose I’m a very closed person around others,and to be honest, a lot of that stems from the fact that so much of me is wrapped up in her. Those who have yet to meet her are missing out, as far as I’m concerned.

She’s the kind of person you can find a million things to love about. Her hair is like Maynid’s Strands, flowing ever toward Athens. For all of her appearant roughness, she has a tender heart, full of kindness and compassion, yet with unbound courage and durability. Her lips are like honeyed dates, and her hands could calm the most savage barbarian with but a touch. Looking back, I can play in my mind the times when I thought I couldn’t love her more, and was undoubtedly wrong. This is the woman who gave me the one thing that I had always wanted and nobody has ever seen fit to give; I stand before the doorway of tears now just as assuredly as I wept then.

The worst is watching other couples. I can deal with people I know, since I can always be happy for them without much difficulty. However, a couple elsewhere is an acute reminder of the part of my life that is missing. I feel sometimes as if a part of my life has been put on hold, and I envy those who have the ability to move forward. One of my biggest problems is that I lack many experiences that, as a writer, I should have. Yes, this in and of itself is an experience, but quite frankly I have enough words to write the diffinitive disortation on love and longing. I simply don’t feel special in any way without her, and while it’s not easy, that is something I can live with. At times it seems I do a disservice to my friends because I stay out of all circles. Believe it or not, I’m outgoing and not very quiet. Still, I believe that it’s because of this that I am so often forgotten or ignored: I take myself out of the picture and don’t even realize it.

The reason I write all of this is because I can’t help but wonder why. I just got off the phone with Mary and the conversation was horrendous. She never believes me when I tell her nothing is wrong in responce to her questioning, and then repeated questions upset me and continue the process. She broke out into the tears for no appearant reason; she couldn’t even even explain why. Did she feel she was out of practice? Was she afraid she’d forget how to cry? Is she simply lying to me and not telling me what is really wrong? All of these quetsions and more run through my head in a crimson marathon while I resist the urge to rip a random piece of furnature to shreads. Yet, when we’ve both said goodnight, and I think about her, I couldn’t think of a single activity I would rather have done than speak with her. Despite all of that stupid shit (which is getting more and more rare all the time), a part of me thinks that it’s all worth it. It’s worth the wait and the time and the utter loneliness just for a moment with her. I don’t know where I’m going with this or to what end, but I do know that I want nothing more in the world than to be with her right now. I know that I want you to meet not only Mary, but the real Kaoru. I know that I’m miserable and drained without her, and that I just want to be special again.