Archive for April, 2002

While I love Penny Arcade for its comic content, I also cannot help but love the rants as well for their intellectual and topical subjects. Tycho and Gabe have fantastic minds, and a wonderfully witty way of expressing them. This is why on the issue they address in this rant, I choose to point to their (or at this time of the morning, just Tycho’s) commentary.

Most of the people who would read this are in one way or another gamers. Some of you throughly enjoy video games as well as roll playing or other forms of them. Now, if those video game people would turn their attention to many of the new and interesting titles that do not focus on mindless bloodshed, they might see that these artistic entertainment mediums are appearantly quite clearly not a form of expression. Now, those who know me know that in certain aspects I am as liberal as they come. I am a firm believer that only through the acceptance of new mediums of art and storytelling can we ever progress and allow a free flow of ideas. To summerily eliminate such a large area such as the entire line of “video games” from the position of “expression” is akin to saying that all presidents after the year 1900 were not preidents because they stopped the traditional role of said office as Congressional bitch-boy. This is especially troublesome as games are becoming more like feature-length films with every new release, but cannot be counted in the same catagory as the art form that they are beginning to emulate.

While this does not alter my mood from earlier and will probably sound pseudo-philosophical or pseudo-intellectual at times due to blinding fury (or the Kaoru approximation of such), this is a major annoyance with me, as I see it as once again a middle-age to elderly dominated voting populous looking for something to blame their poor parenting or percieved lack of safety on, thereby justifying their days and living the superhero fantasy they’ve always had in a greatly diminished fashion. You are not going to save the world this way, so please stop trying before you destroy it in the process.


Well, I have just finished watching as the sky slowly took on definition and depth, and I realize now that can only mean that it is in fact morning. This also means that I have failed to achieve the elucid mind-state called “sleep.” A part of me wants to sleep, however I simply will not allow myself to follow through with the nessesary operations of relaxing and losing consciousness.

Now, the clever reader may ask, “So, Kaoru, why didn’t you sleep?” Other than a general alteration of my regular sleeping schedule (which has angered many of my loyal viewers), I am also excited beyond all belief. You see, today we get the keys to the new apartment (as yet to be Named), and can finally begin the process of moving in. Even as I listen to David Gilmore’s vast and expansive solo now, I can see my future laid before me and can only wonder whether my cleaning service covers that. Today begins a jont down to Springs for a night, after which we will return laden quite heavily with stuff. Not just any stuff, though — our stuff. Our stuff for our apartment. This means quite a bit to me, since it represents yet one more step into independence. This also creates another strong bond between myself and three of the closest people to me, and it will be throughly pleasant.

On top of this bit of wonderful news, we will be bringing more than boxes back up with us. We will also be bringing our friend Ben, my oldest and one of my best friends. I hope that the Orlando people and Orlando aficionados will enjoy his visit and company. Still, it will be nice to have him up here with us for a visit, as I miss his company and would like to introduce aspects of my old life into my new one and see the reaction. This is why I am also excited that Rhia, Dex, and Aiden will be spending time at the apartment at the end of May for Jacon.

Anyway, as time marches forth, I realize that I can get some packing and organizing done. With that in mind, I will most likely read online comics until Elric wakes up and calls me. I’ve been touring campus in my bathrobe all morning so far (Arthur Dent style), and I am considering whether it’s worth getting dressed to pick up my key. Probably not a good idea to show up in a state of semi-nakedness before I get the key, but then again, it just might be. Maybe there’s a discount in there somewhere…..

Why is it that I get annoyed most when I’m reminded of what I can never have? I have just left a situation for good reasons, and I know that I will most likely miss something very interesting because of it. I don’t know what, but something. It bothers me that I can’t be happy and supportive of certain people because of both my past and present. No, this has nothing to do with anyone specifically, but in general there are times when the freedom of others reminds me of the lack of freedom of some, and I cannot help but feel shallow and terrible when I think about it because I know how rediclously stupid it is. Why doesn’t logic overshadow this one? Why is it that I feel I am never in the right place at the right time, and never will be? Why do I lose sleep over this stupid shit at times? I have pondered all of these questions and quite a few more, and I recieve no answer to any of them. I can still think of some of the worst times I’ve missed out, and I know that these occurances wouldn’t have happened if I was there. People see me as a judge of some sort at times, perhaps a priest, and they never just let go in front of me. It’s easy enough with other people, but not with me. Am I no fun? Do people feel obligated to act properly around me? Can’t something interesting happen to me, just once? Not something I’ve set up or planned, just me being where I am when I’m there and not having the trouble of thinking me above these things? This is basically a lot of frustration and baggage coming out, so please don’t take everything seriously. I just hate watching everything fly by me for no other reason, it seems, than it’s me.

Well, here I am again. Just got off the phone with Mary, and I miss her that much more. I think this is the third post in a row that I’ve mentioned this, and I fear I may be getting a bit whiny, hardly the intention I had. There’s a very fine line between statements and complaints, and I’m not sure where I stand. Just in case, I’m going to stop bitching here for all of you.

On a good note, we are signing the lease for the apartment tomorrow. We get the keys on Friday and should be done with the major moving by Saturday. This is going to be great, and I can only imagine that there will be no end to the fun that will be had there. I love my life.

Since I’ve been in a writing mood and this is a good place to drop things, I seem to be about to write a paragraph for the novel I’m working on. Let’s see how this comes out. Please excuse whatever may be wrong with it, it is a first draft.

__Begin slight bit of inspiration__

He pulled the rythem from his drums like a conjurer pulls rabbits from hats or Christ pulled fish and bread from the barrel. Seraphic spirits waifed around the amplifiers, standing prone to breathe as each shooting star of a note flew forth and through them, picking up the miraculous twinge of unfettered cosmic harmony. And while we brought love and light to the thousand-bodied being before us, it returned them a thousand-fold as the song became theirs and soon ours, floating eternally through the Halls of Forever.

__End slight bit of inspiration__

Wow, that wasn’t too bad. I think I can now afford to move to my pen and paper without losing the inspiration. Sometimes I just need to write things so I don’t forget’em. Well, back to this, and maybe a little more studying if I have the time when I’m done. Thank you all for putting up with my eccentricity.

Yea, Right

Yea, of course this is true, on normal occations. In the meantime, I should apply for the priesthood. I don’t even sleep with alter boys. GOD I MISS MARY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Why is there no mood thing for “Incredibly Fucking Horny and Generally Missing Someone”? Good to at least know my thoughts and appitites havn’t suffered in the interim.


Blimey are you ever out of bed!? Looks like its nookie, nookie, nookie non-stop, but keep it up, its good exercise!


Test created by Nicole Ranner (nicolelynch) and Ian Veitch (vj)

It’s times like this that make me truely wish I didn’t require sleep. I don’t have the energy to pace, but I can’t quite sleep either. Lately, an astute LJ scholar might pick up a general trend of drainedness and lack of life force. I honestly think that’s even catching up to me, and I’m a life force camel (especially since I budget). To put it plainly, I miss Mary, and my only option is waiting.

Even as I write this, I realize that most of the people on this list have never met Mary. If this is the case, you’ve never really seen me smile, either. You’ve never seen me unequivocably happy or content. I suppose I’m a very closed person around others,and to be honest, a lot of that stems from the fact that so much of me is wrapped up in her. Those who have yet to meet her are missing out, as far as I’m concerned.

She’s the kind of person you can find a million things to love about. Her hair is like Maynid’s Strands, flowing ever toward Athens. For all of her appearant roughness, she has a tender heart, full of kindness and compassion, yet with unbound courage and durability. Her lips are like honeyed dates, and her hands could calm the most savage barbarian with but a touch. Looking back, I can play in my mind the times when I thought I couldn’t love her more, and was undoubtedly wrong. This is the woman who gave me the one thing that I had always wanted and nobody has ever seen fit to give; I stand before the doorway of tears now just as assuredly as I wept then.

The worst is watching other couples. I can deal with people I know, since I can always be happy for them without much difficulty. However, a couple elsewhere is an acute reminder of the part of my life that is missing. I feel sometimes as if a part of my life has been put on hold, and I envy those who have the ability to move forward. One of my biggest problems is that I lack many experiences that, as a writer, I should have. Yes, this in and of itself is an experience, but quite frankly I have enough words to write the diffinitive disortation on love and longing. I simply don’t feel special in any way without her, and while it’s not easy, that is something I can live with. At times it seems I do a disservice to my friends because I stay out of all circles. Believe it or not, I’m outgoing and not very quiet. Still, I believe that it’s because of this that I am so often forgotten or ignored: I take myself out of the picture and don’t even realize it.

The reason I write all of this is because I can’t help but wonder why. I just got off the phone with Mary and the conversation was horrendous. She never believes me when I tell her nothing is wrong in responce to her questioning, and then repeated questions upset me and continue the process. She broke out into the tears for no appearant reason; she couldn’t even even explain why. Did she feel she was out of practice? Was she afraid she’d forget how to cry? Is she simply lying to me and not telling me what is really wrong? All of these quetsions and more run through my head in a crimson marathon while I resist the urge to rip a random piece of furnature to shreads. Yet, when we’ve both said goodnight, and I think about her, I couldn’t think of a single activity I would rather have done than speak with her. Despite all of that stupid shit (which is getting more and more rare all the time), a part of me thinks that it’s all worth it. It’s worth the wait and the time and the utter loneliness just for a moment with her. I don’t know where I’m going with this or to what end, but I do know that I want nothing more in the world than to be with her right now. I know that I want you to meet not only Mary, but the real Kaoru. I know that I’m miserable and drained without her, and that I just want to be special again.

And once again, I get a main character. I always knew I was meant for stardom. Besides, let’s face it, the girl in Goonies was hot.

You’re Mikey!
The only thing you love more than taking hits from your inhaler
is looking for rich stuff and getting it on with your brother’s girlfriend.

And one more, thanx to One-chan. I want to trade fetishes with her. Her’s is so much kewler, but to be honest, this one is probably more accurate. Well, going to watch Nadesico.

Fiction turns me on. I’m a Hentai freak!

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I always knew this


I am 76% worshipable! And you? Find out!